Grief

I sense my mind skirting around it 

devious in its deflections deftly stepping aside out of the path of an oncoming pain 

 Holding my breath Will I make it past? 

through over out beyond the insurmountable implacable, impervious unavoidable fact of it Fate. Fact. 

The elephant in the room. Its going nowhere. It can't be tiptoed round forever. Footprints in the butter 

Unavoidable evidence. 

grief gravity greaving grave grevious 

I sense my mind returning to it compulsively instinctively tonguing the cavity 

probing the depth of pain 

exploring the enormous shape and dimensions of absence

veer away, swerve can't go there yet ever the mind shuts down shies away refuses the fence 

 diversionary tactics distractions denials 

 Don't stop to think eyes shut keep moving, don't look down 

Balance depends on speed

Sisyphus (unfinished)

Sisyphus (unfinished) 

She grits her teeth mouth-ful of sharp sand 

muscle solid heft against dead-weight of effort 

Resolute corrugated brow, 

traces of bitter sweat squinting ahead impossible to see beyond or through the dense grey hugeness massive concretion of rock 

hard to guage distances ahead 

Onwards Upwards Inch by tortuous inch 

Neck, back, body taut and straining, shouldering the boulder knotted in spasm 

She finds brief respite in fantasies of weightlessness 

of flight and freedom

     hollow bones, feathery wings, soaring in clear blue sky 

     swift silvery fish gliding cool in silky water 

Could she simply step aside, leave the boulder crashing down alone? 

 Would she be crushed in its path, left damaged incomplete? 

Should they ever reach the top, then what? 

how would it be? 

Views from a summit, at rest. slack, relaxed, gazing at distant horizons? 

a stable place to lean her back?  safe refuge? 

 

Some are crushed by rocks

Some build on them

Nesting

 

 

I see them everywhere 

cradling in the still bare wintry branches of the trees 

complicating the stark simple lines and angles 

 

Precarious, bleak, risky lattices of twig 

 nestling exposed balancing reckless so high above the ground

tenuous fragility of interlacing branches

skeletal leaves 

breathtaking even at such a distance foolhardy dangerous brave necessary 

raise a chord of identification in me a pang of painful recognition

unfeasible, extraordinary they have survived the winds and blasts of winter 

They must be sturdier than they look

tenacious 

Will the shoots, leaves, growth, verdure of spring and summer shield and protect them? 

Hide from prying eyes like mine

buffer from wind and weather

secure, fix and fasten

grow into a green cocoon-womb of warmth and safety private, intimate, shared refuge flesh and blood on bare rib and bone home life enclosing nurturing life? 

One can only hope.

 

ADDENDUM Some of these trees have since been brutally pollarded. Defoliated. Mutilated knucklebones gesturing obscenely into the sky. Empty. Bereft.

The hounds of love

Limp version:
(click here for crisp version)(probably preferable)

1. Name of band/musician
Kate Bush
2. Are you male or female?
This Woman’s work
3. Describe yourself
Running up that hill
4. How do you feel about yourself?
The hounds of love are after me
5. Describe your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend
In search of Peter Pan
6. Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend
The man with the child in his eyes
7. Describe where you want to be
Under Ice
8. Describe how you live
Watching you without me
9. Describe how you love
Sexual healing
10. What would you wish for if you had one wish?
Deeper understanding
11. Share a few words of wisdom.
Don’t push your foot on the heartbrake
12. Now say goodbye.
Get out of my house.

not for too long

Things I think (at the moment) that I can't go on doing for too much longer: 

being positive

crying in the shower (it still makes your eyes red, eventually)

needing a long hug from someone other than (as well as) my daughter

hoping

saying "I love you" when I know the answer will be "I know". Full stop.

waiting

But maybe I'll feel better tomorrow