who could predict the symptoms?
not the theoretical expectable unsurprising numbness, anger, denial, pain
familiar presences old friends
- but who could predict loss of memory?
failure of concentration?
incidental distractable inattention ?
is memory is too painful, precious, precarious to be risked even on little things?
too busy cataloguing hoarding gloating
preoccupied with its irreplaceable nonrenewable resources
burying away for winter sustenance
lying in wait, preparing to halt my tracks with some long-forgotten newly precious treasure
why does the mind shy away from the routine, trivial, predictable?
childlike refusing responsibility?
wouldn't you think the small and everyday would be escape from the large and uncontainable?
and of course it is.
sometimes.
and then it isn't any more.
The mind feelings faculties shut down
an automatic trigger somewhere toggles offline
clicking imperceptibly intooutof place
simply blankly refusing to deal with the everyday
the banal
the trivial
the vital inescapable unassailable fact of it
evading past - future - moment
lethargy apathy
blank blank blank
how long will the day take to pass if i just sit here?
Panic
- now where does that come from?
unexpected unsettling
urgent desolation bewildered like a small small lost child
bereft of consoling horizons
facing the newly-strange without a compass
or a hand to hold
or a place to go
Emotions ambush
assailed on the sudden by tears painful distress
in the midst of the okay getting on keeping busy enjoying forgetting living life
suddenly the hole is there
and i am in it.1
Sleep calls constantly
not recovery, recuperation, rejuvenation
but still respite recoil reclusion unravelling
refuge
resistance to reality
relinquishment
Except that there is then the waking
the return
which sometimes is fine.
Okay.
No, really.
Who could predict?
and then when it hits, the blow hits harder.
loss all over again
Who knows whats possible any more?
who could predict?
1 a perfect phrase from paula, thankyou.
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2 comments:
No you cannot predict. The anger too is so strong. Especially because I lost both of them so close--just left alone without anyone who loves or knows you in this way is so so very hard. Thank you for expressing what is often so hard for me to put in words.
I did not know you had this other blog. Yes, also the loss of someone who "knows" you so intimately, and what's important. I got a new refrigerator (first ever, new that is), and then my mother died, and I said to my daugher, "Grandma will never get to see this!" but L didn't understand that she would have reveled in this, to most, mundane purchase even more than I.
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