Thesaurus of loss

Bereavement reaving bereft 

Mistakenly I thought reaving meant tearing ripping, sundering apt for the torn ache in my chest.

It means robbery, plunder, deprivation, carrying off theft, violence, ravaging 

Ravage, damage, devastation 

Also apt. 

Words can't describe the searing sweet sadness of the weeks, days, hours

A common experience commonplace and extraordinary mundane routine unique and indescribable plain and uncomplicated also incomprehensible.

I'm speechless and full of words. 

Mute and verbose. 

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. 

 I keep checking on you, like a child, watching your breathing. 

Trying to fill a gaping chasm with paltries, trivialities, carings, motherings, little offerings, show-and-tellings, trying to please, a child myself your child. 

 

I want to snuggle up in your bed in the mornings put my head in your lap in the afternoons 

 hold your shoulders while you vomit in the toilet mix your pills with honey 

Its ugly, it isn't poetic 

It sure as hell isn't justice 

I don't want to go through your wardrobe.

I don't want your little and generous bequests.

I want to bring you flowers every day hour 

buy you clothes to fit your hatefully growing stomach

stroke your hair hold your hand. 

Hold tight, don't let go. 

Swelling stomach and swollen legs The fecundity of disease 

Death mimics life. 

Ugly beautiful honey bitter sharp and soft grief cocoons and numbs, deadening sensitizes, abrasive and raw oxymoronic. 

So much the hardest thing

Watching you dying while living living while dying.