who could predict the symptoms?
not the theoretical expectable unsurprising numbness, anger, denial, pain
familiar presences old friends
- but who could predict loss of memory?
failure of concentration?
incidental distractable inattention ?
is memory is too painful, precious, precarious to be risked even on little things?
too busy cataloguing hoarding gloating
preoccupied with its irreplaceable nonrenewable resources
burying away for winter sustenance
lying in wait, preparing to halt my tracks with some long-forgotten newly precious treasure
why does the mind shy away from the routine, trivial, predictable?
childlike refusing responsibility?
wouldn't you think the small and everyday would be escape from the large and uncontainable?
and of course it is.
and then it isn't any more.
The mind feelings faculties shut down
an automatic trigger somewhere toggles offline
clicking imperceptibly intooutof place
simply blankly refusing to deal with the everyday
the vital inescapable unassailable fact of it
evading past - future - moment
blank blank blank
how long will the day take to pass if i just sit here?
- now where does that come from?
urgent desolation bewildered like a small small lost child
bereft of consoling horizons
facing the newly-strange without a compass
or a hand to hold
or a place to go
assailed on the sudden by tears painful distress
in the midst of the okay getting on keeping busy enjoying forgetting living life
suddenly the hole is there
and i am in it.1
Sleep calls constantly
not recovery, recuperation, rejuvenation
but still respite recoil reclusion unravelling
resistance to reality
Except that there is then the waking
which sometimes is fine.
Who could predict?
and then when it hits, the blow hits harder.
loss all over again
Who knows whats possible any more?
who could predict?1
a perfect phrase from paula, thankyou.